The thick clown; Fox, harrumphs over the lazy dog collar

Laurence Fox is an actor, part of the Fox family dynasty of actors and industry luminaries of stage and film. But recently he is far better known for acting like a total dickhead. Despite having a clear foot in the door to the entertainment industry Laurence’s talents can only really be described as fair to middling, mediocre at best, not completely dreadful but certainly not in the pantheon of greats. 

 

He has spent much time recently being the enthusiastic architect of his own downfall in a series of public meltdowns, ill-advised rants and dubious political positions. Previously he was a main character in a popular TV detective series (which to be fair my mum said she very much liked him in), he was married to a pop star and had several films on his resume. In 2015 he decided to try and become a singer/songwriter, the results of which were extremely trying. This coincided with his divorce and admission that prior years had been spent in the grips of drug addiction. Drugs do not always translate into creativity and there is the inherent risk of death, particularly at the level of addiction, but many felt that this was a risk Fox should be willing to take if he was serious about improving the quality of his tunes. One way or another.

 

In 2019 Fox claimed that he had been radicalised against woke culture by watching videos on Youtube, which is the preferred source of any serious intellectual scholar. Fox had been expelled from private school just prior to sitting for his A levels, a report from said school was so damning that it apparently prevented any University from offering him a place. Fox later secured a spot at prestigious acting school RADA, which was almost certainly achieved on the merits of his average ability and in no way because of his multi-generational familial connections to the entertainment industry. His first major role was in the film The Hole where he played wildly against type as a spoiled resentful rich kid. Over the years he expanded his repertoire by playing a series of military officers, aristocrats, Viscounts and the occasional Nazi.

 

From RADA to MAGA Fox has fallen foul of his own failings and has frequently fucked things up for himself.

 

In 2020 Fox’s petulant breakdown took full effect. He began by whinging about the UK’s covid restrictions, encouraging people to ignore recommendations such as social distancing. He then appeared on morning TV and claimed that if the NHS couldn’t cope (with the pandemic that he was helping to exacerbate) then it wasn’t fit for purpose. He later bemoaned the protests at the murder of George Floyd who was choked to death by American Police, claimed that Meghan Markle had experienced no racism at all and then complained that 1917, a film about WW1 contained Sikh actors portraying Sikh soldiers fighting on the Western Front. This was an accurate representation of what actually happened but the appearance of people of colour clearly jibed with the fantasy of white only soldiers that Fox held, which made some suspicious of the fact that Fox might hold racist views. He later attempted to dismiss these concerns by dressing himself and his children in blackface. 

 

He also advised people who supported the kick racism out of football campaign to “get kneeling fuckers!” when black footballer Benjamin Mendy was accused of rape, charges that he was later acquitted of. When his racism was highlighted by several people on twitter Fox responded like any rational, mature father of two would, by calling his accusers paedophiles. This would result in him being sued for libel. Acting work had also dried up. Now many actors are famously difficult to work with, some are even terrible people who do awful things, but they still get work and for whatever reason Laurence did not. He also fashioned several pride flags into a swastika and promoted this on twitter to own the libs or embarrass his kids or something, I wasn’t really listening and later filmed himself drunkenly setting fire to pride flags in his garden. The sad bastard literally went and bought some flags so that he could burn them in a demonstration of performative outrage that screamed divorced energy. 

 

He was visited by the police for encouraging others to vandalise low emission zones cameras, he pissed away huge amounts of money from dark money sources for failed political campaigns, failed to become Mayor of London and was ultimately fired from far right propaganda network GB News for reflecting on whether he would or would not shag a woman who had been critical of his childish views. 

 

It seems that Fox is going through that difficult stage that all teenagers go through, where they are discovering the ability to upset others and gain power by being edgy and cool. The problem is that Fox is an extremely privileged middle aged man and about as edgy as a sphere.

 

So Fox is not the most popular man on the planet. He is so unpopular that some will refuse to watch the films Day of the Jackal or Performance simply because the inclusion of his uncle and father in these classics reminds people that Laurence exists. He is so detested that people avoid buying Fox's glacier mints, despite him having no connection to the confectionery, on the off chance that somehow some of the money might make it to Laurence. Fox is so very disliked that certain hardcore hunt saboteurs have recently started financing fox hunts in the slim chance that some administrative error might result in Lozza being torn apart by dogs. 

 

So Laurence has done what many others have done when they piss their career away, he has started a youtube/twitter channel where he can hold a flame to the feet of truth, speak freely without fear of repercussions and possibly get away with using the occasional racist epithet. Like adverts for hot girls leaks, these types of shows keep popping up all over twitter, threatening to infect the audience with their edge lord rhetoric. And like said leak videos they are all just a load of arse.

 

The show is called Fox and Father and I was immediately disappointed to realise that this was not an hour of Laurence being berated by his dad for fucking up his life and wasting so many opportunities.

 

The father in question is Calvin Robinson. Calvin has previously tried to become a Deacon in the Church of England but was rejected due to his controversial and bigoted views. This is an organisation that in the past has defended paedophiles within its ranks, and yet it felt that Calvin didn’t quite butter enough parsnips for them. So Calvin became a Deacon in the Free Church of England, which is recognised by the C of E in the same way that Donald Trump recognises his daughter Tiffany, it sometimes vaguely acknowledges the fact that it exists. In 2023 Robinson was ordained in the Nordic Catholic Church (based in Norway) as a Priest. 

 

He reminds me of a talentless Canadian ice hockey player who, having been rejected by every team there, tried his luck unsuccessfully in America, the UK and Europe before settling in the second division of some African league in a country where the majority of people have never seen ice. Robinson has previously been involved with various right wing media outlets and has dabbled in reactionary politics. He too was let go by GB News for sticking up for his good buddy Laurence.

 

I did wonder if the show name might be ironic, an acknowledgement of the hosts reputation and an understanding that many people do not see either of them as “proper fathers” but I doubt they have that level of self awareness.

 

The show was a textbook example of cringe before it even started. Fox and Robinson had decided to cut a promo that showed them both smoking in slow motion – a bit like the start of a Snoop Dogg music video. Somehow this pair have managed to make smoking look uncool – which is no mean feat. The cigar is supposed to be a reference to sex offender and pimp Andrew Tate, the pair clearly want to align themselves with his anti-woke, misogynistic views and appeal to his legions of onanistic teen fans. They clearly hope to invoke images of strong cigar smoking men – Churchill, Al Capone, Arnold Schwarzenegger but sadly come across more like Jimmy Saville. I wouldn’t be that surprised if they stopped the use of cigars when they find out that Groucho Marx also smoked one for fears that it is a symbol of Marxism.

 

The set looks like a combination of what a 14 year old might think a grown ups man cave looks like and one of those barber shops where lads go to get skin fades. There is a lot of leather, some books that neither of them have read, a picture of Churchill, a cool neon sign like the sort you might have in your bedroom before you were old enough to go to the comprehensive school and a globe, which I presume is British Empire era and either has the other countries scribbled out with marker pen or labelled as “the colonies”.

 

The show begins and Laurence has the startled look of a mischievous schoolboy who has been caught doing something he shouldn’t be doing, which is fitting because technically that is exactly what is happening. Fox is clearly trying to come across as cool, witty and erudite Robinson is desperate to exude quite stoic wisdom. Both fail which is a running theme in their lives.

 

They are both smoking large cigars. Freud, recognising the phallic nature of the large cigars he smoked once stated, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” this implies that sometimes it isn’t and this may well be one of those times. Robinson takes extremely mimsy pulls from his cigar and looks nauseous with each drag. He appears to be effecting an accent that falls somewhere between a burbling 1920’s motorcar and a Prince that has been turned into a bullfrog. Calvin explains to Fox that he has been away at a men's retreat for “muscular Christianity” and for the first time sucks the cigar with a degree of relish. 

 

Fox brings up the recent Ofcom ruling against him for pontificating on the fuckability of a female journalist on his news show, which most would recognise as not suitable for the host of a current affairs programme. Calvin has a different thought though, “Oh this was the most offensive thing ever said” he mocks. No one said this at all, they just pointed out that it was inappropriate for a presenter on a news show to do and that it was pathetic for a grown man to act in such a way. “Its feminism” states Robinson, “They don’t know why they are offended” Two points. One they absolutely do know why they are offended, it's the objectification, unprofessional attitude and frank rudeness. And two – feminism is seeing women as equal and worthwhile as human beings, which is a concept that clearly makes the virginal Robinson very uneasy.

 

The brilliantly conceived framing device for the show is then revealed. There are three envelopes, each containing a news story that the pair can pretend to get indignant about in a performative display of outrage more akin to a tantrum than an editorial. This is perfectly highlighted as the first envelope doesn’t actually contain a story, but rather has a contrived AI image of something that didn’t happen. The outrage is that the Church of England has decided to pay reparations for its profiting from slavery. The image showed a priest on his knees, bowing to a black person surrounded by enthusiastic onlookers wearing masks to protect themselves from covid. This perfectly shows the right’s need to create fake outrage around a subject to hide the fact that their actual gripe is rather silly and not a little sad and small minded. 

 

Robinson is incensed that the Church of England has offered to pay £1 billion to make amends for slavery, a figure that has risen from an initial pledge of £100 million. “They can do it” says Calvin, “But at what cost?” he wonders. Well, it's a billion pounds isn’t it. That’s what the cost is, that part is extremely clear. Robinson is furious that “Nanny Sues” money that she put in the collection plate might be used for this charity, ignoring the possibility that Nanny Sue might not mind this, or actually think it was a good thing or even the possibility that Sue could herself be a person of colour. In Calvins fantasy all the parishioners are white and don’t like giving money to charities that might help black people. Furthermore, why the fuck does Calvin care about the Church of England. It rejected him, it has nothing to do with him. It's a bit like me getting wound up because that pretty girl who works at the petrol station who won’t give me the time of day has just given her cleaning lady a pay rise. 

 

Laurence points out that Calvin won’t get any of that money because he isn’t politically “Brown” which is true I suppose, he does err more towards Brown shirts than anything else. “I don’t mind playing the victim for money” says Robinson, which is exactly what he is doing on this show and has pretty much been the main tactic of his whole career. “Its stupid because no one alive today owned a slave and no one alive was a slave” The problem with this attitude is, aside from the huge profits companies and families made from using human beings as slaves, it was based on the understanding that these practices were fine because black people were not human beings but were only 3/5ths human in comparison to white people. This attitude became institutionalised to the point where, regardless of your character, qualifications, contributions or achievements there is a demographic who will think of people of colour as inferior regardless. This is something that Calvin understands because he isn’t a complete idiot and this is why critical race theory is so vital for education today. Unsurprisingly, Calvin is also opposed to CRT.

 

Robinson then comes out with a statement that many will find flabbergasting, “The church is not here to fix the problems of the world” Huh. Here's me thinking that it was about being Christlike, repenting of your sins and striving to love thy neighbour by doing unto others as you would have them do unto you. Evidentially I have misunderstood passages about hope, faith and charity, stories about Samaritans, healing the sick and the poor and conversions of previously bad people to a righteous path. According to Robinson it's about “Preparing sinners for the eternal life to come” Firstly are these bible passages or Iron Maiden lyrics, it's all very metal. OK but surely you prepare sinners for eternal life through repenting of your sins, understanding that there are certain things, commandments if you will, that god is really very keen on indeed and avoiding doing bad things such as lying or cheating people? It isn’t just some galactic threat of, “Just you fucking wait!” - wouldn’t that be rather a petty deity? Is he really saying that god is like a child with a magnifying glass aimed at the pavement watching ants walk into their fiery doom just for the fun of it? And I'm not even religious, I listen to black metal bands with ludicrous names like Darkthrone and Gorgoroth.

 

Robinson then says, “It isn’t our (the churches) job to meddle but to get ready for judgement day.” This is a message that has clearly been lost on missionaries, Christian charities, Preachers, those who spread the gospel door to door or at state fairs,  practitioners of Alcoholics anonymous, pro lifers, anti LGBT types or in fact anyone that has ever proselytised to anyone ever. This is also a bullshit statement – how could you possibly prepare anyone without meddling? Robinson is clearly just pissed off at the Church of England, it's really rather childish. He has a chip on his shoulder so large that I am amazed he hasn’t given himself scoliosis. He seems to view the church and the robes he wears as a tool to make him feel superior and to allow him to shit on and persecute anyone that he doesn’t view as worthy. This begs a question, how much of a total wanker must you be if you need the deflection of appearing like a priest to avoid scrutiny of your character. His dog collar is literally a talisman of what he fondly imagines himself to be and his cassocks are simply camouflage. Anyone who has gone to this much effort to present an image of goodness, clearly realises they are a terrible person. It's clearly a front for some pretty dark things like Saudi Arabia's sport-washing, Jimmy Savile's charity work or James Corden's smile.

 

Fox wades in like one of those fishermen killing Whales in the Faroe Islands, “Reparations is like paying child support for a woman you never fucked” he is clearly proud of this cutting Oscar Wilde type insight. It's not though is it? Unless the consequences of that child was that the woman then faced generations of forced labour, persecution and institutionalised hatred that extended to every other mother too that you personally or systemically profited from.

 

Robinson chimes in “Whose money will be paid to who?” Well, probably the church's money will be paid to charities and organisations that deal with the consequences of racism, help those most affected by it and educate people about both racism and slavery. He then philosophises, “What is a black community anyway?” It's a community made up of predominantly black people, Calvin.

 

Lozza then comes up with something that he clearly thinks is brilliant but most people will realise is really stupid. “Germany had to pay reparations and that led to WW2” Bloody hell. Now aside from the fact that this wasn’t the only thing that caused the war by a country fucking mile, he has his metaphors extremely confused. Are the church Germany in this? It's the Church who are voluntarily paying these reparations, what does he think is going to happen? The Church will get buyers remorse, becoming increasingly sure that they have been cheated and start world war three exclusively against black people? I am a pessimist usually but even to me that sounds far fetched.

 

Could it be that Foxes negative feelings about reparations are based on his recent and coming fines that are the consequence of him libelling people online. He also recently had to pay costs to a chap called Mukhtar who called Fox racist on twitter, also telling him to suck his mum. Fox unsuccessfully tried to sue him for libel, but this was upended by the other libel case that Fox lost where it was determined that by his actions it wasn’t unreasonable to view Laurence as a racist. Fox tried to pretend that he dropped the case as he was too busy with other concerns, but this was a lie, it was dismissed by the court and Fox had to pay Mukhtars expenses and costs, which ran into the tens of thousands. What happened to his mum is unclear at this juncture.

 

“What idiot came up with reparations” opines Fox. Well a quick google seems to say a chap called Warner Mifflin in 1778. The more you know!

 

Robinson says that “Reparations are virtue signalling” – anyone that uses the phrase virtue signalling is doing so to highlight that they believe the opposing view to be correct – hence accusing someone of virtue signalling is itself virtue signalling but to the other side. You could even say that this is worse because it's unsolicited and only serves to be combative. It's a meaningless phrase in this context. But if we take the phrase on face value, trying to show that you are doing good things, then firstly this isn’t hidden and secondly that's good surely?

 

Robinson says that he yearns for a time before the Church started its downward spiral. This was apparently in the 1920s when by total coincidence fascism was on the rise.

 

Fox and Robinson throw pointless and incorrect sentences at each other like, “There are no Christians in the Church of England” and “CRT, gender theory, Queer theory – its all neo marxism” which apparently people don’t want from the church, they want hatred, fire and brimstone – which begs the obvious question why is Robinson so very unpopular. But let's not get bogged down in reality. One wonders if he thinks charity is just filthy communism plain and simple and very obviously the first step to an oppressive communal existence enforced by a campaign of terror organised by secret police.

 

“Do you know any history?” asks Fox, “Was the church complicit in Nazi Germany?” Robinson is a member of the Catholic church, just a strange Norwegian offshoot, and the Catholic church was complicit with aspects of the Nazi regime including helping certain Nazis escape to Argentina in their ratlines. However Calvin pretends not to hear this question and ignores it, possibly because he knows he would be on to a loser discussing facts which would paint the church in a bad light and possibly because he doesn’t want to bad mouth the Nazis and alienate some of their core audience.

 

Calvin then explains that he hates the current Pope because of his seeming tolerance for gay people. He really does have a homophobic streak in him and the theme of why being gay is wrong seems like somewhat of a preoccupation for Robinson. It gets his blood boiling like Elizabeth Bathory’s bathtub. Why – who can say?

 

Lozza asks where in the bible does it say that homosexuality is wrong. Robinson avoids vague speculation like “in that weird bit where it also says you can be killed for eating a cheeseburger” and simply says “Oh everywhere” tellingly he cannot provide a source or quote but does ramble some shit about marriage being a Christian thing between a man and a woman and being about having children. Not love by the way, simply procreation. I'm pretty sure that the current marriage ceremony is, like most Christian festivals and rituals, originated in Pagan ideals and apparently marriage has been a thing since 2350 years before Christ was even born, so there are some holes in this argument.

 

Fox asks Calvin if God creates gay people, to which Robinson answers with a definitive “No” but doesn’t elaborate on exactly where they might be made and stubbornly refuses to speculate on who the manufacturer might be. Fox at this point becomes all misty eyed and starts excitedly talking about how it must be absolutely brilliant to be gay and the life must be amazing. He mulls a thought over before cocking his head and deciding maybe the sex wouldn’t be completely to his liking before suddenly remembering that he has children and that he loves them a lot apparently, which very possibly gives us an uncomfortable insight into how Fox prioritises the things in his life. 

 

Still unsure, as if he is weighing this up as a serious option he goes on, “There are bonuses to the homosexual life, material fleshly bonuses” such as travelling and visiting places in the pursuit of pure fun without responsibility. Robinson describes this as the wages of sin, before both of them quietly realise that travelling around, visiting places and enjoying themselves perfectly describes how Calvin chooses to live his life, and there is an awkward silence.

 

Robinson then starts going on about how abortion and even IVF is murder. The logic behind the IVF claim is that they discard viable embryos not used in the pregnancy. He makes no judgement call on masturbation or menstruation or if eggs Benedict requires flagellation. He then says, “We aren’t all called to have children, it isn’t a right” which somewhat contradicts his earlier point that the purpose of marriage is procreation. Lozza picks him up on this but then gets sidetracked about how he thinks the morning after pill is pretty cool. Which just reminds me of a lad at school loudly asking “If anyone has any change for the johnny machine because they simply do so much sex on girls.”Calvin contends that abortion is not healthcare and IVF is playing god. 

 

It isn’t clear at what point this healthcare/playing god thing meets. I mean he seems happy to wear glasses when God clearly wanted him to be unable to see, will he be punished for this? Seems somewhat cherry picked and also none of his fucking business. He then states that all of this, meaning homosexuality, abortions etc is part of a death cult seemingly missing the point that he belongs to a religion that literally worships a crucified corpse, is predicated on its main prophet dying and being resurrected, has rituals where bread transubstantiates into the literal flesh of said dead prophet and wine into his blood and is focussed on what happens and where you go after you die. I mean call me picky but that does seem to show quite staggeringly low levels of self awareness. Calvin seems to have no coherent through-line in his understanding of Christianity other than using it as a stick to beat people with.

 

“But what if you can’t afford children but as a Catholic are forced to have 11 kids” wonders Fox. Robinson says that having that many children is amazing and claims that poverty simply doesn’t exist and we live in the richest times in recorded history. My god this man is a prick I think whilst the words to Monty Python's Every Sperm is sacred whistle around my brain. He wonders why 100 years ago families would have 12 kids and be fine but today we struggle. Again this is not a topic that he is uniquely qualified to speak on, on a number of levels, but anyway several things. 100 years ago infant mortality was 150 in 1000 as opposed to 4 in 1000 today, these children didn’t all survive and those that did were often malnourished or went without numerous things on a regular basis. “We want privileged lives more than we want families” he says with an air of superiority completely oblivious to the fact that he is describing himself.

 

Lozza then gleefully retells the story of how he fell out with a friend because she had aborted twins. Apparently this woman was going through IVF and then chose to terminate her pregnancy because they found, as Fox describes it, “Minor heart defects” Now obviously we don’t know the details of this but it does seem rather callous of Fox. He is trying to frame this action as frivolous and on a whim. This is a person that has clearly been trying to conceive and having exhausted other options has tried IVF. I’m pretty sure they took the whole thing seriously and whatever decisions they took were both hard and long thought out. For Fox to judge like that exposes what a shit dismal attempt at a human being he truly is. Robinson comments that this is eugenics which exposes him as a fucking cunt.

 

“Well that covers reparations” says Fox and I realise that I had totally forgotten that this was what they were supposed to be talking about.

 

The pair then go on a protracted whinge about how life is unfair and everything is against them like a couple of teenage goths who couldn’t get into the Bauhaus concert. Fox is annoyed that Ofcom, the TV regulator punished him, the presenter of a news programme for using that platform as a tool to belittle and ridicule a journalist he didn’t like in a sexual manner but failed to punish a comedian for doing a joke about throwing acid in someone's face. Aside from the fact that this somewhat undermines his apparent free speech stance it’s not difficult to see the difference unless you are being purposefully obtuse. Although in Fox’s defence it may just be that he is such an entitled and unpleasant shit that he simply doesn’t understand not getting his own way all the time. Who can say?

 

Fox continues, “The media would portray you as a wannabe vicar not Christian enough for the church of LGBTQ+ and they paint me as an actor who got radicalised and traumatised which turned me mad and now I’m some sort of racist, fascist, hard right winger.” This is accurate. In as much as this is probably how the media would portray the pair because it is largely accurate.  Calvin does want to be a priest to the point that he explored far more exotic routes than others and he is open about his objection to gay and trans people. Why the man who wears a frock, who identifies as something that most people don’t see him as (a priest), who wants to be a part of an organisation that historically has been associated with child abuse (the church) projects such loathing towards these groups, based in untrue stereotypes and generalisations is a mystery. Fox is an actor who seemingly got radicalised, he said himself this came from watching youtube videos. He may not be fascist per se but he is an active member of a far right political party and has been shown to have been racist at times in a court of law.

 

“What did change you” asks Calvin before Fox explains that he was radicalised by turning off the TV and watching youtube videos explaining how racism isn’t really a thing, so basically set himself up an echo chamber.

 

Calvin strokes Fox’s ego by saying surely he is glad to be out of that industry now he is awake to its oppressive nature. But this is weapons grade bollocks. Fox is desperate to be in the industry, either as a musician or as an actor or as a presenter. This pair have been reduced to this shit because of their inability to remain in the industry and they fought tooth and nail to avoid having to leave. It's pitiful. These aren’t soldiers, these are failures. These are people that, having been kicked out of the party, have set about trying to convince themselves and others that hanging around on the street in the pissing rain, sharing a paper cup of cooking sherry is actually totally where it's at.

 

Fox then explains that he went to school with people that were upper class but inbred to the point of stupidity. He laments the fact that they would inherit huge amounts and be ill equipped to put it to any use saying, “If you get things handed to you it screws you up” seemingly oblivious to his own advantaged beginnings, opportunities born through nepotism and connections not to mention the literally millions of pounds he has wasted from think tanks in his egocentric attempts to become a politician.

 

“Our priority isn’t to be rich but to live a good life” says Robinson. Fuck me this guy is all over the place like a ravers jaw.

 

“My Dad comes round” says Fox, “We look at the bible, there's some good stuff in there.” which has to be in the top ten of the most vapid statements ever uttered. I personally like the bits about the emissions of horses, the bitter waters, the killing off the first born and the extinction of the entire planet other than that fellow with the boat and the zoo.

 

“But” says a solemn Fox, “If immigration continues the UK will soon be islamic” Calvin nods along like my nan watching Enoch Powell. The pair then defend the “poor guy who was jailed for saying that Britain is soon going to be a majority non white country”. This is a reference to Samuel Melia, a self described obsessive fan of British Fascist leader Oswald Mosely. He was jailed for a sustained campaign of stickers that contained racist slogans such as “Britain is under occupation” over a star of David. He is known for his Nazi sympathies, he knew exactly what he was doing and he got caught. Why these pair want to defend such actions is beyond me. Calvin Robinson then defends MP Lee Anderson who recently implied that London had fallen to Islam and then says he agrees that Islam is taking over the West. These aren’t dog-whistles; these are full on pavlovian bells dipped in bacon grease. If any one is worried Muslims comprise 6.5% of the population so these talking points are nonsense.

 

The second envelope is produced and I realise that I had forgotten that was a thing too. It's fair to say this show needs a degree of tightening up. The envelope is held aloft, the tension is unbearably shit.

 

The second envelope contains a story about BBC reporter Emily Maitlis being told to fuck off by Marjorie Taylor Green the MAGA politician from America. Maitlis asked Green why so many Trump fans were enamoured with conspiracy theories. When Green who is a pretty regular guest on Infowars refused to take the bait, Maitlis asked her about Jewish space lasers to which she was told to fuck off. Now in her defence MTG never actually used the phrase Jewish space lasers, although she did wonder if wild fires might have been started deliberately using lasers that are based in space, though their religious affiliation was unclear. “MTG is no stupid woman” lies Fox before projecting “Emily Maitlis looks like a really poisonous, angry person.” “Lets not insult her appearance” says Robinson and I can’t decide if he really means this, can’t help but criticise anyone including his so-called friend or is just concerned about self preservation and income being acutely aware of Fox’s previous track record of being sued and or fired.

 

Fox then says they should defund the BBC and get rid of ofcom, hinting that he is still reeling from his recent firing and the embarrassment of being shown up on BBC’s question time in 2020 where he was called a privileged white male who probably wasn’t best placed to refute accusations of racism toward Meghan Markle. Robinson is distraught that once on Radio 3 he heard some African style music as opposed to wall to wall Mozart or Wagner or Skrewdriver or whatever he likes.

 

They then forget that they don’t like gay people because they weren’t made by God, to praise Dan Wooton. Dan has also been sacked by GB news and was investigated for accusations of blackmailing men into making sex tapes, harassing them with a pseudonym of Martin Branning. Wooton is also a dreadful shit that many say contributed heavily to the death of Caroline Flack with his hounding and character assassination, he also looks like a shaved cartoon hedgehog. Anyway the lads are dead proud of him. They are now convinced that GB news, who they all worked for before being let go, is apparently controlled opposition and everyone there stabbed them in the back.

 

There really isn’t much to say about the Maitlis Green encounter, so they move on to the final envelope which contains a story about Uganda making it illegal to be LGBTQ which is simply tragic in this day and age. Calvin looks positively vitalised and for some reason starts really enjoying his cigar. He goes on to say that this is a good thing because they, gay people, are trying to smash the patriarchy and destroy heteronormity and all of this is the work of the devil. It wasn’t the devil that designed bodies with the nerve endings placed where they are, all tucked away up there. If God is all knowing, all powerful and can do anything it really does make you wonder why he allows so many things that he simply abhors. 

 

Robinson explains that his fears aren’t ridiculous, they are grounded in reality. You see if everyone is gay then there will be no families and the world will die out as no new babies will be born. And here's us thinking he was being stupid. He reiterates his hatred of trans people and drag queen story hour because he sees something wrong with a man dressed in unusual flowing, long clothes telling stories to an audience that might have children in them. He doesn’t like the idea of people like this telling people how to live their lives, it's just creepy.

 

Fox reminisces about the past when he remembers proper persecution against gay people, which he fails to notice mirrors attitudes that are expressed now by him and others about trans people, they are all grooming children and trying to send all the kids gay – the script hasn’t changed since the 70s.

 

Calvin doesn’t think that people should be persecuted for their sexuality, simply shunned until they stop being gay. Perhaps being forced to pray the gay away or mentally tortured until they repress their feelings and fall in line. His main concern is that gay people aren’t safe anymore because they will be convinced that rather than being gay they are actually trans and should take appropriate measures. This is ludicrous but Lozza agrees, “They are destroying gayness by saying you aren’t gay but trans.” Oh how foolish we have been. All this time I thought they were just bigoted reactionaries terrified by a world moving too fast for them, but no they are saviours of the gay cause, protecting these poor souls from being hoodwinked by nefarious trans evangelists who won’t be happy until men are women, women are men, up is down, black is white and we all get killed at the next zebra crossing. “LGBTQ is evil because of the politics, its Marxism” says Fox, which proves that he is both as thick as a whale milkshake and as consistent as a hangover shit.

 

Then something fascinating happens. Lozza asks if you should be jailed for being gay and Calvin responds in a rather revealing manner. “If someone feels they are same sex attracted then teach them what the bible teaches them…” Finally love thy Neighbour I think, but it's not that bit. “Some people are called to marriage, which is between a man and a woman, some people are called to a chaste life. Neither are easy.” Now this is pure speculation, a crazy hypothesis, a thought experiment if you will. Was there something oddly confessional about this.?  Was this a conversation that Robinson had had before? Was this advice that Calvin was given himself? Is this the reason that he chose to become a chaste man rather than the only other available option, marriage. Could this go some way towards explaining why Calvin is so hateful towards homosexuality, which he sees as a sin. You could be forgiven for speculating that this is all simply misdirected self loathing. Of all the things that there are to loathe about Calvin Robinson, he picks the one thing that is actually cool. Another point is why does he use the phrase “same sex attracted” rather than gay or homosexual. One could imagine that it could be that the phrase gay or homosexual implies something permanent and rigid, something that cannot be changed. Theoretically a “same sex attraction” could be a single event, a lapse in judgement so to speak and not an indication that you are actually gay just that you fell to temptation. So if hypothetically you despised yourself for being gay, a way to lie to yourself would be to rationalise your “same sex attraction” as a freak occurrence, an anomaly, a mistake of confused youth. That would not be a healthy attitude. This is of course pure speculation as to why this rabid homophobe might wish to project hatred outwards whilst telling other people they aren’t allowed to be gay. Perhaps this isn’t true, perhaps he is just desperately unpleasant.

 

Lozza then speculates as to why the Catholic church is so associated with child abuse, reasoning that it was infiltrated by bad men but that doesn’t happen anymore and drag queens will now be the favoured avenue of the discerning paedophile as it provides easy and frequent access to children. He also speculates that the + in LGBTQ+ means child sex which it absolutely does not. If men dressed as flamboyant female characters is enough to irreparably alter the sexuality of a child we need to start quantifying things. How many pantomimes is it safe to watch in a single year? Will watching carry on films make you fancy chaps? Is Dame Edna Everage a gateway drug to a life of same sex debauchery? For reference between 1951 and 2020 there were 330000 reported cases of sexual abuse in the church in France alone. At the same time there were tens of thousands of cases in Ireland, 200,000 cases in Spain and thousands of cases all over the planet. That is with a culture of not reporting these things and the church covering up a huge amount of incidents. Thus far drag queen story hours have had no incidents of sexual abuse.

 

During this talk Calvin has been furiously smoking his cigar with renewed vigour.

 

Robinson is angry that Moslem is now pronounced Muslim by most people and yearns for the days when he was called half caste rather than mixed race – oh the salad days. I assume this is to take the prize for most stupid thing uttered today in an attempt to be edgy but then Lozza comes in with an absolute belter. Ruminating on the fact that language can be used as a weapon (against him he means, not against minorities) he wonders why you can shorten Australian down to Aussie but when you shorten Pakistani suddenly it's racist. He can’t be this thick, surely. Also he has clearly been aching to say the P word just as he ill advisedly used the N word in his recent court case to show that he...sorry let me check my notes… isn’t a racist. It's tragic, he is literally like a teenager who has discovered 2 Live crew and is giggling away at the back of maths class. It's very simple. Aussie isn’t a pejorative. No one has ever been out Aussie bashing, no one has ever told you to go to the Aussie shop, never have a group of white lads been beaten up because they were assumed to be Aussie bastards, the word Aussie isn’t used as a slur against all people from the Australasian continent and anyone else who looks kind of similar. 

 

The reduction of the word Pakistani is born out of hatred and prejudice and Fox knows this. He is just a child, a sad, whinging man child. He then mentions hip hop and the fact that he stopped being a fan when Biggie and Tupac died. It seems fairly clear that he is looking for some way to say the N word, but this opportunity doesn’t arise. I would put money on him, saying it in the next few episodes though. And that perfectly sums up the show I think, it's the sort of place where you might reasonably find Laurence Fox saying the N word for attention. The only interesting talking point that the show raised was are these people pretending to be such absolutely awful human beings for money or is this an accurate representation of what they are like in real life, and which of those possibilities is worse? 

In the meantime Fox will be writing a book about apologising, the theme of which seems to be that he was actually right in the first place and will be launching another failed London Mayoral campaign. So there's plenty to look forward to in Fox’s future, just not for him.