Cutting Through the Grime

Unveiling Darren Grimes’ Misinformation Campaign


Darren Grimes reminds me of a haunted ventriloquist's dummy. Not just due to his remarkably similar appearance but also due to the fact that he is a puppet manipulated by hidden hands, he’s completely hollow, he’s a mouthpiece for propagandists and the words that come out of his head are almost certainly not his own. He is also similar to a ghost in as much as most of what he is does is fucking transparent. 


Grimes is a prominent presenter for dreadful bigoted current affairs/far right propaganda node GB news. This might seem like an achievement to be proud of but in reality it is the journalistic equivalent to being an infected pus-filled boil in the centre of a giant gelatinous arse.


I recently stumbled across one of his broadcasts in the same way that you might stumble across a corpse whilst walking a dog and the results were just as foul and unsettling. The thumbnail for the “debate” hosted by Grimes, has the stations logo next to the headline meaning that it says “GB News – You should be ashamed of yourselves'', a rare moment of self reflection I thought, but no, and as I started to watch I realised, like a girl cornered in Russell Brand's dressing room that this was going to leave an extremely unpleasant taste in my mouth.


Watching Grimes in action I wonder if he is the offspring of a cartoon cat and the automated taxi driver Johnny cab from the film Total Recall. He is all phosphorescent teeth, dead eyes and no talent like an embittered children's entertainer at Butlins Holiday camp. In many ways his look and demeanour is far better suited to children's TV than news as he has the gravitas of a knitted teddy bear and the intellectual robustness of a balloon animal. Ironically though a child's level of understanding perfectly suits the audience of GB news. 


But how did young Darren drag himself up to the gutter? Well before he became the Andrew Ridgley of news presenters he dallied with various other things. 


Despite his current right wing populist views he initially entered politics as an activist for the Liberal Democrats, doing so whilst studying fashion and business at University. At the time he was extremely pro EU and a huge fan of the pro EU leader of the Liberal democrats Charles Kennedy. However as Darth Vader, Sauruman and James Corden have shown us, becoming evil can be extremely advantageous to your career, not to mention profitable.


If you didn’t like Grimes' principles that was fine because he had others. He is a bit of a political chameleon and that's genuinely not a dig at his weird bulging, bug eyes. 


The following year, 2016, Grimes helped form anti EU pro Brexit organisation BeLeave. BeLeave was an offshoot of Vote Leave, the official campaign to leave the EU. BeLeave like vote leave was embroiled in the Cambridge Analytica scandal where data was hoarded and then sent to a Canadian firm, AggregateIQ in order to be analysed and used to create adverts that catered to the fears of its recipients. AggregateIQ and Cambridge Analytica used this data (some of which was collected in very dodgy ways) to build profiles of people, their likes and dislikes which was exploited to make more effective propaganda influencing people to vote leave. An electoral commission fined Grimes £20,000 for his role in the scandal, however this was later overturned.


In 2018 Grimes was appointed as digital manager for the IEA – a free market think tank closely connected to Koch Industries, Tufton Street and the pro Brexit crowd. The IEA is particularly keen on continuation of reliance on fossil fuels and the privatisation of the NHS to be replaced with an American insurance based system. 


In 2019 he helped form Turning Point UK with the help of Candace Owens' husband and former Bullingdon club member George farmer. TPUK is closely connected to Turning Point USA who just so happen to be closely connected to Koch industries – what a coincidence. GB news is also funded by a think tank named Legatum, who by a strange turn of fate also happens to receive funding from Koch Industries and other billionaires.


In 2020 Darren founded the website Reasoned, a platform that encouraged people to proudly embrace the views that have them labelled as racist, homophobic or transphobic. Grimes a gay man himself, provided the gossamer thin justification for the idea that this wasn’t simply a platform for hate, in the same way that Goering's cross dressing provided an explanation that the Nazis were actually pretty progressive. He performs a similar role at GB News, they can’t possibly be bigoted because behold a gay man. He is essentially camouflage for bastards. Reasoned released material that appeared to be copied word for word from similarly gross far right outlet PragerU – coincidentally owned by Fracking billionaires the Wilkes Brothers, who by chance also are connected to think tanks like the IEA and are fiercely opposed to environmentalism and equality for LGBT people or people of colour.


In 2020 Grimes got himself added to the history books for helping derail the career of unpleasant historian David Starkey. The rise of BLM had prompted a discussion on the slave trade with Starkey claiming: 


“Slavery was not genocide, otherwise there wouldn't be so many damn blacks in Africa or in Britain, would there?" 


Sadly this reprehensible outburst wasn’t a game of things that your nan, Enoch Powell and Donald Trump might say, it was his own despicable view. It is difficult to determine if Starkey was trying to say that slavery wasn’t as bad as it was made out to be or if he is saying that the violence against slaves didn’t go far enough for his liking? One is forced to wonder if he recognises any genocides at all? I mean the Rwandan genocide was pretty bad but there are still Rwandans, the Holodomor left some Ukranians still alive, the Khmer Rouge similarly failed in eradicating the entire Cambodian population. The fact that I have seen a Native Americans probably means that they should stop fucking whining, Spielbergs very existence apparently negates the entire content of Schindlers list. Perhaps we should take Starkeys example and aggressively reappraise these historical events?


With a track record of inciting homophobia, opposition to trans people, racism and electoral interference the path was obvious and Grimes was offered a job at GB news. He began in 2022 but in November of that year he abruptly left the channel only to return in 2023. The reason for this absence was apparently that Grimes had decided to try and interfere in a decidedly more hands on fashion. Specifically this was described as the “persistent sexual harassment of a junior, straight, male colleague.” The station said that the abused member of staff was moved to another position for their own protection, however it was later revealed that the safeguarding amounted to texting the employee to warn him whenever Grimes was in the building, in essence his phone acting like the motion detector in the film Aliens, alerting him to the slimy, inhuman danger lurking in the corridors. Perhaps Predator would have been a more fitting film for a metaphor but hey ho. I suppose if these allegations are true you could describe his attitude to immigration as Aliens vs Predator. Thank you. I'm here all week. As far as I’m aware the staffer in question was able to avoid any close encounters or indeed any abductions or anal probes.


Shortly after this Grimes peaked, so to speak, made his most eventful splash on the annals of history. After a bout of Grimes being particularly unpleasant on Twitter, a user named Wurrance posted this now legendary stanza, “I think I’ve mentioned it on here before, but my cousin went to school with Darren Grimes and everyone called him craftywank because he was caught beating off under the desk in year 9” Whether this incident was in any way seminal for Grimes is up for furious debate. Grimes responded to this with characteristic good humour and threatened the poster with legal action, allegedly stating “I have emailed my lawyer and have instructed him to prosecute you to the full extent of the law” The internet instinctively smelled blood, or at least something rather unpleasant and responded the way that you would have done at school, took this seed story to be completely true and began showering Darren in reminders of his own filth. Now, in all fairness there is absolutely no evidence that the story is true and even the messages threatening legal action have not been proved to be real. But Grimes is such a weaselly little shit that people reasoned, its the sort of thing that might have happened and I want it to be true, therefore it became canon that Grimes had indeed blotted his copybook. Technically this is bullying although as an advocate of free speech Grimes is in the bizarre position where he should probably encourage it for fear of looking woke. Maybe he would even like to follow himself home and give himself a fucking good kicking. 


Despite the thumbnail saying GB News You should be ashamed of yourselves, the title of the “debate” hosted by Grimes is actually 'You people are trying to SMEAR his name!' - Darren Grimes FUMES over lefty attacks on Nigel Farage. I’m surprised that Grimes hasn’t insisted on removing words like smear that might remind viewers of his alleged, scholastic, desk based onanism. Good for him for rising above and standing proud, he should give himself a hand, it shows the lad has spunk, he doesn’t give a toss, its like hes wearing a helmet, the balls in his court, you can’t even glans him, he won’t be shafted, hes grasped how to get on, he’s churning out content hand over fist, which must be gratifying and stimulating, hes pulled himself together, he will palm away any bad feeling, sure hes been bashed but now hes flying solo, hes Hans Solo, hes Obi wan Kenobi and he refuses to be beaten down. Anyway I’ll stop bringing that off...I mean up bringing that up. Any way as we are edging towards this mass debate...sorry mass debate that Grimes is holding, sorry hosting, it promises to be gripping. Come come.


So Grimes appears on screen with all the comportment of a nervous supply teacher and says, “Well it’s time for our next debate, who wants to go next?”


“Unfortunately it’s me” says a man who looks remarkably like Samwell Tarley from Game of Thrones who is apparently named Benjamin Butterworth. This is the only person that the news ticker will identify throughout the segment. GB News is not the slickest of operations there are Jackson Pollock paintings that are more organised than this deeply amateurish channel. I’ve seen cluster bomb attacks that are less chaotic than some of their broadcasts. Honestly they make a parish church notice board look like fucking Reuters.


Benjamin begins to talk about awful human being and far right arsehole, the blisteringly inferior Nigel Farage. He appeared on Panorama recently representing his similarly dreadful political party Reform – designed to sweep up those that felt the soon to be outgoing dystopic nightmare that is the Tory party wasn’t quite cruel enough to immigrants, hospital patients and the poor. On the program Farage spouted literal Russian propaganda lines and claimed that the current Russian invasion of Ukraine was due to provocation from NATO, the EU and the West in general. This has been condemned as inaccurate by politicians, military men, historians and anyone that can follow a basic timeline in a newspaper, but strangely GB News is keen to back him up. This may be because Richard Tice, a prominent member and former leader of the Reform party, which was previously known as the Brexit party, just so happens to work for the GB news. Just to give you an idea of the Reform party, it was recently revealed that forty two of its members follow the leader of a UK fascist group on twitter. Literally dozens of their members have been exposed as being racist, transpohobic or homophobic. I was going to list all of them but honestly it killed the mood and flow worse than the extended plantation scene in Apocalypse Now Redux. The shorthand is that they have more bastards than the life story of Elon Musk. Honestly the party is an absolute razzle stack. That might be a bit of an obscure reference, essentially it means a pile of cunts.


Benjamin continues, “For a man who likes to evoke Winston Churchill he’s a lot more like Neville Chamberlain.” He starts a follow up sentence, “Now Darren…” and is immediately cut off by the unannounced VT of Farage on Panorama being questioned by BBC reporter Nick Robinson.


NF: “We provoked this war”


NR: “We have?”


NF: “Of course its his fault but he’s used what we’ve done”


NR: “We provoked the war?”


NF: Yes and once again 10 years ago I predicted this. By the way Im the only person who predicted what would happen and of course everyone said I was a pariah for daring to suggest it. George Robertson former Labour cabinet Minister who went on to become Secretary General of NATO has in the last couple of weeks said the war is a direct result of EU expansionism”


There a bit to unpack there so lets go through it. Farage says that the west provoked the Russian invasion of Ukraine, he then doubles down and repeats the claim. He then claims to have predicted the war would happen and was shunned for it, but now apparently the former Secretary general of NATO agrees with him and blames the EU. Since the show he has further doubled down and refused to apologise.


Did we provoke the invasion? No we didn’t. Russia first invaded areas of Ukraine, namely the Crimea in 2014 shortly after its puppet politician, Victor Yanukovych had been ousted from his former position as President of Ukraine. Contrary to Russian propaganda this was not a coup by the USA, it was a democratic process that came from the people of Ukraine, sick of being under the rule of an admitted Russian stooge. The same year Russian troops entered the Donbas and Luhansk regions of Ukraine reasoning that if they could not control Ukraine politically then they would attempt to do so via the military. Prior to this the last countries to join NATO were in 2009. 


Did Farage predict a war? No. In 2014 he stood up in the EU parliament and warned the EU of poking the Russian bear. Sounds like he knew his stuff yeah? No. You see he made this speech after the invasion of Crimea. So there already was a war going on, he was just being a Russian apologist even back then.


Did George Robertson say that the war was a direct result of EU expansionism? No. He has publically dismissed this notion. He did say that this Ukraine crisis started in 2014 when the Ukraine and EU signed an association agreement, and in fairness he said that Putin used this as an excuse. But the blame lies solely with Putin and Russia and Robertson also stated that Putin doesn’t even really care about Nato expansion. He has even clarified that he doesn’t think either NATO or EU expansionism was the cause or a provocation and that Farage is parroting the Kremlin line.


Also in 2014 Farage named Vladimir Putin as the world leader he most admired, though he clarified as an operator not as a human being misunderstanding that this is like praising the BTK killer for stealthily avoiding detection for so long. There are also questions that float in the ether about Farage’s connection to RT the news channel directed by the Kremlin. On GB News for some reason he lied and said that the UK Government had siezed the assets of certain Russian Oligarchs. He was also formerly bankrolled by fat wanker, Aaron Banks who has various alleged connections to Russian diamond mines and Cambridge Analytica. The entire Brexit campaign, which he was heavily influential in pushing, mostly with lies has also been connected with a litany of rumours and evidences of Russian interference. Bizarrely in 2018 he claimed to have never met the Russian ambassador Alexander Yakovenko despite meeting him five years previously and being photographed doing so. For some reason Maria Zakharova from the Kremlin endorsed his campaign in Clacton – christ this is like a really shit bond film. 


Farage has also appeared a number of times on the increasingly mental platform Infowars. At the time Jones was remarkably seen as more sensible and less far right than Farage, though it appears he just hid it well. Comparisons to Mussolini should have extended beyond his growing belly and double chin.


In 2009 he was promoting UKIP and complaining about the EU, the British political elite, global government, global warming and “using crisis to take freedoms”. 


But he wasn’t quite that savvy back then and he revealed right at the start of the interview that he worked in the city, which technically is the enemy of the CT crowd. 


Also Alex never once pronounces his name correctly.


Also Farage implies that fear of Al quaeda and Muslim terrorists is manufactured to give the state power, which was popular with the ct crowd back then but is the mirror opposite of what he preaches now.


In 2012 he tells an obviously fake story about a wealthy Greek friend of his buying an AK47 machine gun because of the breakdown of society. 


Theres also a great back and forth where Alex tries to defend capitalism by describing the bad things that capitalism does then Farage calls it communism. 


Alex is also keen on asking Nigels opinion of Ron Paul who most people will remember for calling Sacsha Baron Cohen a queer who put a hit out on him. Farage is a fan. 


Farage also predicts a number of countries leaving the EU


Which never happened.


He then criticises an Italian MEP for working for Goldman Sachs despite being a broker in the city himself. Its a bit like being told to stop being racist by Hitler. In a couple of ways, any way the point is his whole persona is counterfeit


Farage has recently also promoted pimp and sex trafficker Andrew Tate in a transparent attempt to appeal to the youth market of idiots and date rapists. It reminded me of a joke about Andrew Tate. Andrew and Tristan Tate are sat talking about why they hate women. “You can’t trust them, they are all liars” says Andrew. “It started with mum, she would constantly tell me that I was handsome, that I was going to break hearts etc, but when push came to shove, no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried, no matter how much love I showed her she wouldn’t fuck me”


Farage has also been accused of being a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, prick with far right and fascist sympathies. The crushing irony of his alleged love of the master race is that he himself is an absolute broken biscuit of a man. He is an unattractive, inadequate grotesque, he lacks any sense of style or panache and his body looks like it is held together with bacon rinds and fag ash. The only thing he excels in is projecting his own incompetence and failing. He has a certain rough charisma but this is only effective for those so destroyed by their own deficiency, for whom happiness and fulfilment is as alien a concept as the Klingons, that they need to punch down and blame others just to cope with existence. Its technically shadenfreude but if you told them that they would balk at the fact that the word sounds foreign. 


It cuts back to Benjamin in the studio who is clearly talking, but there is no sound coming through. It jarringly cuts back in, “..a great advocate of Nigel Farages politics, do you think this is deeply out of line with standing up for Britain and standing up for the Wests interests?”


Darren has a clear look of panic in his eyes. He’s in over his head like some sort of bizarre tantric sex position and has the demeanour of a flustered mother complaining to a waiter for no good reason other than to make her daughters hen do somehow about her. 


Grimes ejaculates, but luckily in the speech sense not the knocking one out under the desk at school sense, “No, no I don’t and frankly Im sick of seeing that bit played every hour on the hour!”


Huh. This is the topic of the show. The show that he is hosting, which has the tagline “Did the West provoke Russia, Farage makes bold claim in Panorama interview”. I think this complaining is simply due to the fact that Grimes realises that he is more out of his league than Captain Nemo in an airship.


The camera then pans back to reveal the panel. We never get to find out their names because GB news is such a ramshackle, unprofessional joke of an organisation that couldn’t organise a bear shitting competition in a woods full of laxatives. Theres a fashionable hipster type that looks somewhat like Ned Flanders or Napoleon Dynamites older brother, a woman who looks like she has wandered in from a garden party, a lad who looks like he works in a mens fashion shop and Darren and Benjamin. I am somewhat distracted by the womans polka dot dress. Its lovely and everything but I can’t help but notice that if you removed Grimes head and put it on that body, in that dress it would look unsettling like Una Stubbs as Aunt Sally in the popular childrens TV show Worzel Gummidge. Honestly have a look for yourself its uncanny. Also the polka dot dress kind of reminds me of the supposed woman in a polka dot dress that may have aided Sirhan Sirhan in the assassination of RFK. For a brief moment the vague possibility that Grimes might get shot cheers me up.


Benjamin continues, “So do you think that Putin invaded Russia because of what we and our allies did?” He means Ukraine and it is easy to misspeak sometimes but the channel is so mediocre that stuff like this barely gets noticed and rarely gets corrected.


Darren squawks, “I think we should listen to what Farage actually said because I watched it” he beams with the pride of a child who finally managed to successfully negotiate a potty. The thing is, he is supposed to have watched it. As a presenter of a current affairs program it would be the absolute bare minimum to actually know the topic that you are going to discuss. This speaks to an appalling work ethic, you really have to read stuff in the news business you simply can’t spend all your time aggressively pursuing disinterested members of staff for sexual favours. Im not saying that is what happened, Im just saying you shouldn’t do that, especially if you need to be learning a topic. 


The thing is, we have all seen it, you literally just showed us the clip in which Farage says “We provoked this war” and when asked if that is his statement insists “Yes” its more cut and dry than a Turkish barbers. But Darren isn’t to be swayed and he uses the tried and tested media technique of not answering the question but answering a different question instead and goes on


“I watched the full interview and he said he disliked President Putin and that Putin was responsible for causing the war itself, I don’t see how any of that is apologist”


Benjamin retorts, “Well he said we provoked it through the actions of NATO”


“Well” says Grimes flailing and out of his depth like Brian Jones.


Then the lady from the garden party, whose name is never revealed interjects:


“We did break out promises to Putin. We said that all these countries around him wouldn’t be allowed to join NATO. We didn’t allow Putin to join NATO, perhaps we should have done and kept our enemies close? All Nigel said was that we provoked him. He clearly said it was Putins fault”


“Yes he did” says Darren in a tone of voice that screams – yep that’ll do if we have nothing better.


Several things. Firtsly we did not break our Promise to Putin. We- whoever that means don’t get to veto who joins NATO and nor does Putin. She may be referring to Russian propaganda regarding former US Secretary of State James Baker and his statement -”Not one inch eastward” which implies that the USA had a treaty to prevent other countries closer to Russia joining NATO. Baker was talking about East Germany after the fall of the Berlin wall. Russia were concerned that the now unified Germany would have NATO troops and bases and that their troops and infrastructure would come under threat. Bakers statement was to reassure that this would not happen. Following this a treaty was reached where Russia was given huge sums of money to remove said troops and infrastructure and large restrictions were put on any NATO presence in the former East Germany. So to be clear those talks and that statement was not about NATO expansion – it was about East Germany and its reunification into Germany as a whole. Former Russian President Gorbachev has himself confirmed that NATO was not discussed. In 2014, Gorbachev said that the assurance only pertained to East Germany, and that the resulting agreement was upheld by NATO. His main aide in these negotiations, Eduard Shevardnadze, likewise agreed that NATO never made any such commitment regarding other countries in Eastern Europe, and that "the question never came up" in the talks on German reunification. Former Russian President Yeltsin did call the “expansion of NATO” illegal in 1993 but at that point no one had joined for ten years, Spain joining in 1982. It wasn’t until 1999 and the 2000s that former soviet state asked to join. President Clinton consistently refused Boris Yeltsin's offer to commit that no former Soviet Republics would join NATO: "I can't make commitments on behalf of NATO, and I'm not going to be in the position myself of vetoing NATO expansion with respect to any country, much less letting you or anyone else do so… NATO operates by consensus," he said – and he was right. Ill repeat USA or Russia don’t get to conrtrol the actions of other countries. As for all these countries around him – Russia itself is so vast that it has 11 time zones. Only 11% of Russia border is shared with a country in NATO. NATO states are Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania and Poland have all, in the past been invaded and Occupied by Russian or Soviet forces. Putin did ask to join NATO sort of. He asked George Robertson – the man Farage lied about earlier if Russia could join without going through the normal application process. NATO said no you can apply like everyone else. Russia refused and instead reached out to President Bush. Following this a cooperation treaty was arranged between Russia and NATO but since they never bothered to apply for full membership, it simply wasn’t on the table. Also she clearly forgets that she is supposed to be avoiding the question like Grimes but she forgets this and admits, “All Nigel said was that we provoked him” which is exactly what he is being accused of saying, because he did.


So she’s totally wrong but she’s keen and she continues, “He clearly said he wasn’t a supporter of Putin, this is being used as a tool against Farage because everyone’s scared of him” I have to pause here because my mind is flooded with images of all the tools I would like to use against Nigel Farage, a claw hammer, a scythe, a combined harvester.


Grimes eyes light up somewhat as he realises this is enough to avoid the actual meat of the discussion and he continues


“He’s doing so well and people like you are so terrified of Nigel actually doing so well and he’s taking a lot of Labour votes in the red wall and you people are trying to smear his name and call him an apologist for foreign regimes who wish us harm, that is absolute nonsense and I think frankly you should be ashamed of yourself.”


Benjamin doesn’t like this at all and responds, “Just because you are a fanboy of Nigel Farage you’ll excuse any nonsense that he says”


Grimes is extremely defensive, mostly because thats a completely accurate representation of his toadying, sycophantic attitude


“What did he say that’s nonsense? If you watched the interview Nigel says this has given Putin an excuse to turn to the Russian people and say we needed to do this because of NATO expansion”


Yeah he did say that but thats not the thing that we are talking about. He misses the point like an expert jouster. The nonsense thing is also the thing that this debate is about, the thing that it says on the ticker, the thing you are supposed to be discussing that he said that the invasion was due to provocation, which I might point out is a bit like blaming a rape victim for wearing a short skirt or being pretty.


“So you agree that we Farage? We did provoke Russia?” asks Benjamin. Grimes realise that he’s messed up so does the honourable thing and pretends he didn’t hear it. He allows the man who looks a bit like Ned Flanders to speak and soon regrets it.


“We have to be honest here that Putin did not need an excuse in order to invade Ukraine and we saw this when Tucker Carlson went to interview Putin and he set him up and he asked him, why did you do this why did you invade and he expected him to say the same as Nigel Farage that it was due to NATO expansion but he didn’t say that he gave a bizarre a-historical speech in which he stated Ukraine as a country doesn’t exist and that thers no such thing as the Ukrainian people, therefore its part of Russia and Russia can invade this is incorrect there is a Ukrainian nation the Ukrainian people deserve their right to self determination and deserve to be able to determine their own future and to suggest anything otherwise… was enough to justify Putins invasion is completely wrong”


Game set and match I think – if only GB news were professional enough to tell me the guys name.


Grime’s retorts “He didn’t say that he said that Russia used it as an excuse” – but the problem is he did – you showed us less than five minutes ago – what are you a fucking goldfish?


Grimes turns to the man who looks like he works ina shop who may be called Leo or Ben Leo, I don’t quite catch it, and asks him if there should be a peace treaty simply because this has been going on for a while and is getting quite expensive, which is a bit like giving up your bathroom if squatters are just really determined to stay.


Darren has another dig at Benjamin “Benjamin is a bit naive about how long this can go on for” he then hands the floor to Leo or Ben or whatever his name is, clearly hoping for him to slam dunk the lay-up he has just flighted, but no. Instead we get one of the most stupid excahenges I have ever seen on screen and I recently watched Tucker Carlson interview Alex Jones. The man from the fashion shop opens with ill founded confidence,


Leo: “Yeah I think we need to grow up a bit and learn some nuance in the conversation. It’s possible for one thing to exist at the same time as the other…


Oh – hes Shrodingers twat, anyway sorry to interrupt, he continues


“Its possible for Putin to be a horrible despot dictator and Nigel can give the assessment that he has a perception that NATO was expanding too close to their borders”


Ben: “So you do think we provoked him?”


Leo: “Did I say that?”


Ben: “Well I’m trying to figure out what you are saying


Leo: “You know what I don’t know enough about the situation to give comment.”


And begging the question, then why the fucking hell are you here he bows out. Fuck me that is so dumb that it gave me a migraine. I can only imagine his family sat at home, watching in expectation of their son’s proud moment, perhaps they have even told their friends and relatives that he is on the TV, perhaps they are having a watch party only for him to sully their family name so comprehensibly. I can imagine the father wondering how long he would have to cry tears of disappointment to provide enough to drown himself. I suspect he is strongly considering a bansaw vasectomy in the shed or at the very least setting fire to his testicles to cut this malevolently degenerate strain off at the source before it can do any more damage to the world. His mother cursing her insides and wistfully looking to her bedroom where she knows there are plentiful supplies of coathangers. Alas, its too late for that now. 


Grimes realising hes backed into a corner like a nest of tables tries a new tactic. “I don’t want British people to be dragged into this” to which Benjamin responds, “You just said that because this might drag on for years that should affect whether or not we should support them”


Darren tries to pivot and ends up in a right mess


“No Im saying that actually there needs to be, I think Ukrainians have been far too much digging their heels in saying we refuse to actually talk to the Russian state about what type of peace settlement”


Ben: “So you think presumably that they should give some land over?”


Grimes: “Well I don’t know, I don’t know”


Ben: “That shows that people like you who claim to have a monopoly on patriotism and western values actually think that a despot like Putin can invade a neighbouring country and you should sit down and hand some land over. There is nothing defending the west about that attitude.”


And that perfectly sums up the hypocrisy of the right wing. Lets not forget that one of Darren, GB news and the right wings biggest bugbear is asylum seekers trying to get into the UK. These are often charachterised as men of fighting age. By Darrens logic men of fighting age are acceptable and in fact allowed to sieze territory as long as they turn it into a warzone. Lets take that even further, as far as I can see what Darren is saying is that anyone who arrives in a boat or by any other means in the UK is allowed to stay and claim a plot of land but only if they shoot someone before they are caught. I can only presume from following his reasoning that if Shamima Begum had garrotted a man in a trench then he would be pleading for her to have a council flat. The man is a twat.


Also during this exchange there was another VT error and as Darren is talking the picture freezes on Benjamin with his mouth wide open in shock looking somewhat like a codfish and somewhat like a cheap sex doll.


But they are on damage control now and the lady in the polka dot dress interjects “How do you think this war is going to end” and like the worst hostage negotiator ever Darren shrieks, “Exactly – how many people do you want to die?”


The lady, probably keen to get back to her glass of Pimms tries one last time


“How do you think this war will end without negotiation that requires some land? WE might not like it and we might not think it’s the right thing should be allowed to do this but that is how the war will end.” except this is not how things work. That would possibly be the end of that stage of the war and with one country occupied why on earth would Putin stop? It can apparently be extremely moreish being a meglomaniac.


The man who looks a bit like Ned Flanders then totally takes her legs, sadly only metaphorically by explaining calmly that all the things she is saying should actually justify supporting Ukraine more and not less.


Darren, swings for the fences with a ludicrous thought


“Well hang on Matthew…”


His names Matthew we discover in the dying minutes of the debate


“Well hang on Matthew would you have said that about the Vietnam war?”


Matthew responds with such powerful incredulity that it threatens to put a crease in his brain, “Thats not comperable” but that goes massively over Darrens head like Erica Badu’s hat.


Grimes: “I think it is because lots of troops and resources were poured into that and it was a losing war all along” 


His pattern recognition is off the chart, can we get him a job at NASA or something? 


Matthew clearly at a loss to deal with such violent stupidity points out that if you want to avoid an extended conflict the best thing to do would be provide aid and assistance to Ukraine, which Grimes is also opposed to.


Darren sighs loudly and looks like he kind of knows he’s defeated but isn’t quite bright enough to accurately assess the situation. He looks to the lady who says “You can’t change the past so where do you go now”


I hear the centre of the sun is quite nice this time of year, perhaps you could try there?


Even Darren seems deflated by the vapidity of that statement and says “Well have to leave that there”


If only they would I think. But as always he was lying and sadly GB News was back on air the following day.